The flow of the conversation usually would start with: “Mike, you know the beginning for a man is easy…just give a semen sample. Your part is easy compared to the beginning for a female.” To which I would pose zero opposition toward doing. The entire conversation was not long, with an ending along the lines of “I have no problem with starting, I am just waiting for Kayla to want to start IVF. When she is ready, I am too.”
That was partly true, except for two intervening hopes on Kayla and my part: (1) After Kayla was ready (mentally and physically) along with (2) the place where we were financially stable – we both hoped that we would naturally get pregnant. The reality was, any day now, we just needed to bite the bullet and start the In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) process. Let’s back up a bit and give a little context up to this point for clarity.
Wait Until You Start Your Career
Kayla (my partner) and I met in graduate school at the University of California at Riverside. Both of us were in the doctorate program in chemistry. I was 34 years old at the time while Kayla was 27 years old. I had been in the doctorate program for 4 years already when Kayla joined the department to become an analytical chemist.
Life was easy at the time for two graduate students without children living a life of studying and working in a laboratory while hitting the clubs at night. Not a healthy life, but a busy life and living at full throttle. The thought of undergoing an IVF treatment was the furthest outside of my mental orbit.
Any person who has enrolled in a graduate program to obtain a degree understands that a substantial amount of time is required on a student's part to earn a degree (i.e., a Ph.D.). That being said, there are many ways to live a life worth living as a graduate student. Just like there are many ways to live a good life. Getting a higher education degree is one way to do so. Although, obtaining a degree is not required to live a good life.
While Kayla and I were in graduate school, the advice from both her advisors along with mine landed squarely on the following line: Wait Until You Start Your Career To Have Children. Many students take that advice to heart. Including women such as Kayla who are under the added pressure women feel as opposed to men. I will say very bluntly -- academic (research) advisors do not necessarily have your best interest in mind. Yes. I did just say be careful how you process the advice that your advisor disseminates to you regarding the path leading to your career.
Spoiler Alert: Now would be a great time to have a discussion with your partner about starting the IVF treatment process. At least considering pursuing the process of harvesting eggs and retrieving them to freeze for later. In part 2, the reason will be revealed. The drawback is the cost, although, loans are possible to get -- specialty loans for the IVF treatment exclusively. Back to the story.
Our take away at the time was that research advisors are treated on the same level as "God" -- which would result in using contraception instead of having children while in graduate school. That is not to say having children will be easy or allow a person to graduate on time. Again, there are a variety of ways to get through graduate school successfully.
I will say at the time, Kayla and I were living a life which was intertwined with alcohol addiction which is not necessarily the perfect atmosphere to have children. Basically, during the years of graduate school, the thought of having children was a big NO. For us, the decision to have children was not on the table during graduate school.
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| Photo by Charles DeLoye on Unsplash |
Career Starts Now!
I was ahead in my graduate time-line than Kayla which would make my graduation happen two years sooner. As a result, I found a temporary position as a Post Doctoral Fellow conducting research down at the University of California at San Diego. Living in La Jolla is excellent. Although, under the stress of having dual households along with a Post Doctoral research position is not. I was stressed out along with Kayla. Money was tight. We were still trying to party like rockstars -- which was now at full throttle. Life was fast - career was beginning. No time for babies yet.
At the same time, my colleagues (fellow PostDocs as they are called) were having children. But with a dual household (one in La Jolla and one in Riverside), there was zero chance at having a child. Another excuse right? Yep. This lasted a year and a half until Kayla was near graduating and found a job for me at the California State University at Northridge. I currently work here along with Kayla.
I managed (with the help of my wonderful wife) to start a career as a full-time position as an instrument manager at a university in the North Los Angeles area (California State University at Northridge). Whereas Kayla initially bounced around trying to build up a teaching career by teaching part-time at various colleges. Again, she was holding out on having children until she found a 'full time' position. When were we going to have children?
Just around 6 years ago, Kayla and I decided to give up alcohol and other vices. Which was great if we were planning on having children right? The process has been more straightforward with the assistance of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Which is not for everyone. AA has helped us tremendously in keeping sobriety and preparing our lives for having children. Sounds crazy right? In actuality, the process has been an educational journey which has opened our eyes toward progress which extends beyond child rearing. Success in life in general -- maintaining peace from within.
Right about now, you may be thinking ... "Who are these crazy AA people?" That is the furthest from the case. The program (and its success) of Alcoholics Anonymous speaks for itself. That is all that will be said on the matter moving forward. This change was part of a more significant difference -- one toward having children.
Throughout the process of getting sober, Kayla and I made changes to make our lives much more straightforward. One realization of Kayla's part was that driving around Southern California to many community colleges teaching part-time was not the desirable lifestyle she had wished for herself. She came to the realization that both of us working at the same institution (university) would be much simpler. And it was indeed.
Therefore, she started teaching part-time at CSUN in the same department as me. This allowed us to move closer to our work (across the street) and have a more sustainable lifestyle. At the same time, she seemed to be settling down into a career mindset. Over the last few years, she has definitely arrived at a more relaxed state of mind and become much more secure with herself. All indications that the next move would be to try to start a family.
We definitely thought that having unprotected sex for a couple of years would do the trick. Nothing happened. Recently, Kayla downloaded the app called "Clue" to help her realize when the most 'Fertile' day would be -- still nothing. We went to the doctor to get a referral to see a fertility physician. Throughout the process, we were told to lose weight and try naturally.
There is a point at which this advice does not work anymore. To all of the men out there pay attention to the history of your relationship and take note. Eventually, you may be the person deciding to start the IVF treatment. Having to step up and spearhead the operation is not fun, but finally needed to be done.
Late last year, we never went to see the fertility specialist. On top of that, Kayla suddenly said to me out of the blue ... "Mike, we need to get pregnant now to align the delivery with summer?" This turned into a massive conversation which ended with a decision -- to have IVF - In Vitro Fertilization. What was the timeline going to look like? How long would the process take to see the right physician? What was the next step? Oh My Goodness. What do I do? How did I (as the husband) miss the prominent notice -- time to have children - NOW.
Go To A Baby Shower For Advice?
As a husband, the goal is to respect and help my wife have as great of a life as possible. Of course, we both need to be happy. Both are possible. I am 46 years old and thinking about when a potential baby would be born and turning 20 years old. That would make me 66 years old.
Meanwhile, my friends have grandchildren. Oh My Goodness. I made choices - none of which I regret. Now, where do we go from here? How to get started?
Luckily, an old friend from graduate school reached out on Facebook and informed Kayla about an upcoming baby shower. This particular friend had married my former roommate. Perfect. Let's catch up on old times. She recently went through IVF (over the past year and a half). Wow. This interaction at the party was a godsend. My old roommate informed me of the difficulty and challenges which were stated as minimal. Both mentioned the most challenging aspect were the many doctor visits. Yes, there are many. As I will tell about in part 2 of the series.
The result of attending the baby shower was a definite decision to go to the same reproductive center as they had used. Why wouldn't we try the same place? This party happened last July. We just started the process in January. I had to put my foot down and say: "The time has come to try IVF" That is if we were going to try at all. To all of the husbands out there, do not be afraid of starting to initiating the conversation. Many men would like to stay as far away as possible from the discussion.
Unfortunately, the longer that you wait to begin, the more risk that you have toward not having (harvesting) enough eggs to make embryos which turn into children. I will talk about that in part 2. I hope that men will read this and be strong enough to have a conversation about children, further, about the process of IVF. There is a financial aspect, but the central part is the decision to commit to the process. The two of you are experimenting with your partner’s body to produce a beautiful child.
Therefore, if the conversation has not begun, have it. The reality is that (as you will see), there are more people in a similar dilemma like yourself. And that you may regret not dealing with this sooner. Above all else, men are not alone. Other men are going through the same experience and having similar or worse thoughts. Women, I cannot speak for you. Nor do I wish to. I will say this about the process; thus far...this has been the right decision to just jump into it and not wait. Part two will cover the first part of IVF from a husband's perspective -- up to the embryo testing.
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